Absolutely Nuts!!!

~A tale of being preggers~~~

2008-08-17T06:13:00.002+06:00

I had a strange feeling in my gut the night before our first wedding anniversary. M thought I was being paranoid as I was only three days overdue but it was there, niggling at the back of my head… the big what if. Having discovered that the extended in-laws all planned to drop over at midnight to “surprise” us, M and I went to get enough cake and stuff to feed them all… and then we went to a drugstore where my very embarrassed self bought not one but two DIY pregnancy tests (different brands just to be sure). Then as soon as we got home, we nipped upstairs to our room and I took the tests. Sure enough both strips sported thin red lines confirming that I was indeed “knocked up”.

Though M and I had been planning this for a while, both of us were pretty shell-shocked. A little part of me was thinking I was crazy to imagine I could do this… but we were both very excited. We called my mum and M could hardly speak to her he was that emotional! Then later, after the guests left we broke the news to M’s parents.

I was lucky enough not to have had ANY morning sickness throughout my pregnancy. Neither did I have any food cravings, which I was actually looking forward to but oh well… and I didn’t gain too much weight… great considering I was overweight to begin with. I didn’t even look pregnant till I was well into my 6th month… and I have only started to look obviously pregnant after week 30! Most of my clothes still fit me till 7 months. M’s been ultra careful with me throughout… making sure I rest well and eat well and I don’t exert myself at all. He’s a sweetheart and I don’t know of any other husband who’s been this caring about his wife during pregnancy.

Our favourite things to do have been baby-shopping and ultrasounds!!! Seeing the baby makes it all the more real especially for me who until recently, at times forgot that I was pregnant at all! We found out it was going to be a girl at the 20 week ultrasound… even though my cousins, aunts and grannies had “predicted” a girl way before that in a variety of ways… dreams/Chinese horoscope/the way my belly looked/plain old gut feelings etc!I love feeling the baby kick and move. In the beginning when I felt her kick you couldn’t feel it on the outside, but M said that by putting his ear to the bump he could hear sloshing sounds every time she moved. Then later the movements could be felt by placing a hand on my tummy… and now, they can even be SEEN, as often she makes my tummy move with an extra strong kick or shove. M talks to her all the time, has been for ages, though I still feel quite silly talking to my tummy. She often reacts now to his voice kicking more vigorously when he speaks to her…

I’ve slowed down a lot in these past few weeks. This is actually the only time I’ve felt the least bit hindered by my pregnancy. I spent a night at the hospital 2 days ago. My blood pressure shot up and they kept me for observation just in case. I’m fine now, but driving to the hospital at midnight was scary… and coming back empty handed was kinda disappointing… but there’s not long to go now.

Week 37 starts today. My bags are all packed and ready to go. Baby shopping is all done. I’m having baby dreams every night… and I’m scared shitless of the whole life change that will follow…and the part I’m looking forward to most though is seeing M hold our baby for the first time…

... This has been an attempt to make up for my laziness to post these past few months. Plus I couldnt sleep... and now that I feel a yawn coming, I'm headed to bed!

2008-08-06T19:40:00.000+06:00

Career switch!!!

2008-02-06T16:53:00.000+05:00

So on the night before our anniversary... we found out that we were going to be parents!!! M and I are happy and excited and nervous! It isnt due till september but ... boy o boy, I cant wait! I had my first ultrasound on the 28th and i heard the little ones heartbeat!!! (which seemed very early for 7 weeks but the doctor told me thats the way it is!)

And the first thing i did... signed up to babycentre.com and baby-gaga.com and bought myself a copy of "What to expect when you're expecting"...

With my office being so far away and the doctor advising me to rest more and not exert myself at all, I've been home for about 20 days now... and I aint going back!!! I've been loving all the peace and TIME being at home has allowed me, and even though i do miss the activity of work (and the moolah!!!) i think its good that im getting used to staying at home cuz i had decided way back that i was going to be a "there" mom! The kind that has time to bake cookies and play and read to my kids, rather than leaving them with a nanny all day and coming home at 8 every evening too tired to spend quality time with my kids!

Woo Hoo~! I'm gonna be a MOMMY! haha still cant believe it...

~~more on the 361 days...

2008-01-10T15:13:00.000+05:00

Despite all that was discussed in the previous post... the past 361 days... or the first 361 days of my life with M have been glorious!

Everything between the two of us is perfect!!! (MashAllah)

Here's to 361000 more wonderful days together!!!

361 days since i got hitched~~

2008-01-10T13:26:00.000+05:00

I know I said I wouldn’t complain about my ILs… but that would leave me with absolutely NOTHING to say… so sue me but I will!

My ILs are driving me INSANE!

Yesterday, since for once we didn’t have to pick FIL up from work on our way home, we went shopping after work. Then we went and had a nice dinner and reached home at around 9ish. My MIL was fuming. It was SO obvious she was in a rotten mood. The tension in the air was so thick I could have cut it with a knife. I hate it when she acts this way, because then I start feeling guilty for having had a good time. It's like she doesn’t like us going out together. M says I shouldn’t let this bother me because she has no right to interfere in our lives as a couple… but it does bother me.

Then there was what happened when we were in Isloo. They called M and I heard a conversation that was not for my ears. I heard someone yelling through the receiver and I put the call on speakerphone. M and I don’t keep secrets so he let me listen. Lets just say it completely ruined Eid for me and lessened my respect for them in a big way.

Then there is the issue of our first wedding anniversary. It's in three days and M and I had planned a large dinner party to celebrate. We had been planning for almost a month. We had our guest list ready with 65 odd people on it. (Including my MILs entire family). We had finalized the menu (Fried Whole Pomfret with Tartar Sauce, Chicken BBQ boti, Mutton Biryani, Badami Korma, Beef Behari Kebab, Hot Gulab Jaman and Sicilian Icecream). We had organized a caterer, decorator, waiters etc. We had the layout all planned (A marqee in the plot next to our house, Round tables in the centre and buffet tables on the sides, the entire décor in black and silver, with centrepieces of pink and red roses and silver candles). I had picked out a cake from “Pie in the Sky”, Two tiers of double chocolate fudge cake with deep red sugar roses on it… and it's not happening.

To make a long story short, my dreams of having a spectacular first wedding anniversary shattered thanks to the involvement of my beloved (can you get the sarcasm, can you can you?) ILs. Rather than go with what they wanted us to do (which involved guests being cramped indoors and being forced to eat with their plates in their laps) I decided to cancel. Now M and I will just dress up and go have a fancy dinner somewhere… where they will not be invited!!!

I know I say that now… but come 14th we’ll probably be dragging them along. :(

I applied for a job in Islamabad… got called for an interview and it went really well. Even if I get the job though, there is absolutely no guarantee I’ll be able to go back to my beautiful beautiful city… because obviously M will have to get a job there as well and I cant even begin to imagine the fuss my ILs will create…

>
>
> OMG OMG OMG……… This just in, it's snowing in Islamabad!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaahhh I wanna be there instead of this craphole they call Karachi!

Back~!

2008-01-03T23:59:00.000+05:00

Before you (my nonexistent reader) start chastising me for not blogging, I have been very busy. Was in my beloved Islooville for most of December for Embee’s wedding... which was loads of fun btw. She looked absolutely gorgeous and I danced myself silly!!!

Then there was Mairoo's wedding, which was also good.

And then of course Ms. Bhutto went and got herself assassinated. The whole world is talking about it and the repercussions its had on Paki politics so I’m not going into details here. All I will say is that things were really bad, specially in stinkin’ Karachi and I was very scared!

Gotta run! More later... and soon I promise!

2007-11-07T11:37:00.000+05:00

I can’t get over what M told me yesterday. I didn’t sleep properly last night and I have a very bad headache now because I can’t stop thinking about it. I am really depressed…

I don’t know what to do? Should I speak to FIL? Should I speak to MIL? Or should I just go away? Because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to do anything right.

There are absolutely no issues where M and I are concerned. But my IL’s are unwittingly making my life miserable.

urgh

2007-11-02T16:19:00.001+05:00

No matter how “baysurra” he is, Atif Aslams music (except for the remixes) are not bad. They are a perfect backdrop to the downright crappy mood I’m in.

I’m still (pretty much) behaving as far as my diet is concerned. The other day on my way home, I saw this hawker selling big fat juicy purple grapes. This is the thing about Atkins that starts getting to me. I am not missing bread or sugar as much as I am missing fruit. Yesterday I was tempted to buy some persimmons just so I could hold them. I’ve been behaving for 10 days and no weight loss in sight. I think I am going to have to limit myself just a little bit more.

I am quite fed up of the way things are around here. I have wanted to go get Banana’s birthday present for weeks but we haven’t been able to. I had planned to go yesterday but M came home really late from work. This morning when I said I had to go, first we got the whole lecture about planning activities and the whole making faces routine. But it was decided that we would go get it before picking FIL from work… Then around lunch time FIL called him and asked why we wanted to go to Clifton and couldn’t what we want be bought anywhere else. M told him what I planned to buy FIL said that he would go and get it from somewhere and we didn’t have to go.

Now hubby darling has just informed me that FIL went and got the PS2 for us… M seems to think FIL did us a favour and all but I HATE this.

WHY cant I go to buy a present for MY sister myself? WHY do they have to interfere in EVERY single little thing?

I feel like screaming. Maybe I’m making too big a deal out of this but I still hate this… and I hate this.

Bloggie woggie

2007-11-02T12:17:00.000+05:00

My new blog layout is (finally) done! I got the basic skin from blogskins and tweaked it around and now i have something that i like... even if it is too pink!

Absolutely Nuts!

2007-10-25T14:58:00.001+05:00

And in the effort of being more chipper... my blog is going back to its old name until I come up with something i like better.

"Who wants to be happy anyway" (i look at my mirror... all i see is misery... you look at my mirror... all you see is bliss) was depressing title anyway.

As Blue as Blue can be

2007-10-25T11:36:00.000+05:00

Day 3 on the diet and so far I have been behaving... Having said that however, I am feeling seriously low today and we all know where that leads!!! BUT lucky for me I brought lunch from home today so I am less likely to cheat… even though the office boy put some sugar in my coffee which felt great! J

M says I have not yet “accepted” Karachi which is why I hate it and the lifestyle here. No one has time for anything! Plus with M’s whole “I can’t neglect my parents” thing, I am the one who ends up feeling neglected. Throughout the week we usually get home by 7… and then we HAVE to sit downstairs with the parents because they shouldn’t feel neglected. We go upstairs only when it's time to sleep which is usually past 11 or 12… The only time I get to spend alone with my husband is in the morning when we’re both rushing to get ready to work or late at night when we’re usually both exhausted and asleep under ten minutes! On Saturday MIL usually has plans for a “family” outing… from which we return late… on Sundays Mo basically just catches up on sleep… while I catch up on Laundry and other chores.

I don’t want to “steal” their son from my ILs… but don’t I have a right to my husband… aren’t WE supposed to be an independent family unit too?

My mommy told me that the cardinal rule of keeping in-laws happy is to never talk back no matter how provoked and to be generous to them materially. I do both and instead of exploding into a furious tirade on the numerous occasion where I know I am right, I just shut up and listen… I kill a small part of me every time and resist the urge to fight for myself. Every time MIL makes an issue over inconsequential things I implode. I vent my fury here so I am not tempted to talk back. However I am going to try to focus on the happier bits as well cuz my blog has begun to sound like I am forever complaining…

I got NO time NO time!!!

2007-10-22T17:03:00.000+05:00

That DOES it !!! My diet starts NOW

P.S: CHalk???!~!!!! remind me to elaborate lol

Bogus eid

2007-10-22T11:40:00.000+05:00

My first "married" Eid ... was not as exciting as i had thought it would be. We didnt go anywhere on Chand raat and i spent that weeping into my pillow.. The remainder of the eid was spent visiting relatives... and we took Hickey, Mallo and San to see Harry Potter 5 at cineplex. HP movies leave me dissatisfied and M doesnt follow HP so you can imagine how that went.

Bits and pieces

2007-10-08T09:35:00.000+05:00

10.17 AM: Not that there's much to do at work most of the time, but some days are just plain LOUSY! Like today. I came in with my work mode on today... but theres nothing to do!

I'm bored. Seriously seriously bored.

***

11.00 AM: My trip home was good. I love being in Islamabad and after Karachi, it sure feels like heaven. I missed Mo very much … but I still did not want to come back.

***

11.28 AM: I am braindead. and hungry. and fat.

***

Saddy on a Rampage

2007-09-26T10:59:00.000+05:00

I am SOOOOO sleepy! Plus my back aches and my legs ache which usually indicates impending PMS or worse, the curse itself… either way NOT a good thing. Plus time feels like it's crawling by ever so slowly today. It feels like I've been at work for ages and it's only 10 am. *sigh* Some days just are this way I guess.

My boss told me off when I told him I could be resigning. He said there was no way he was letting me go… feels good to hear, but I really don’t know if I can continue. I'm actually (still) very very confused. I love the extra $$$ and I like how I get to meet people outside my dysfunctional susraal if I continue working… and I don’t want to spend all day with my MIL at her beck and call… because she really does take advantage of me. If I am home she doesn’t do anything, just hovers around me so people think she’s equally busy!!! But staying at home does have it's pluses… like having time to watch TV and go for walks and read and take better care of myself…

I am so hungry I’m acting like a jerk. I just pissed off a girl I work with for no reason, yelled at a vendor over the phone for something that was not his fault AND totally sidelined this new girl who came specifically to have a social visit with me… WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!? Urgh.

YAYYYYY!!!

2007-09-25T10:31:00.000+05:00

I am going to Islooville on Thursday!!! Its just for 2 days but thats enough time away from Moomsie. I miss him when i go alone and besides two days off is all I can take off from work at the moment... and its a surprise for my family!!!

Heres a piccy I promised myself I'd put up.

The flowers my pet cactus gave off.(Tuesday, April 24, 2007)

The Dead Awaken

2007-09-24T11:51:00.000+05:00

Its not that nothing blogworthy is happening, I'm just too cramped for time to blog (most of the time) and there are time when i make a mental note to blog about this that or the other and then conveniently forget.

So Batty and I have rekindled our letter writing thingamajig. Its a good way of staying in touch. Which reminds me... I have a letter to write.

This was taken at my last get to with Bat a month before my wedding at Gelato Affair in Isloo. It was COLD!

more bitching about the MIL

2007-09-15T10:42:00.000+05:00

Surprisingly, ever since I got married, the most predictable of all questions that people ask is not “abaadi mae izafa kab ker rahi ho???” (though I’ve been asked that too in a variety of ways) but “hows married life?” Even more predictable than the question is my answer because I always smile and say “it's great”.

Not that Mo isn’t the best thing that could have happened to me, he is wonderful and Mashallah I am very happy with him. But “married-life” isn’t just about the husband. It's a six tier stale layer cake with a cherry on top. All you want is the cherry but you’re stuck with the cake too.

Living in Karachi (or rather outside) is extremely frustrating… add a MIL with the mental capacity of a 6 year old and you have a recipe for disaster!!! And I'm not exaggerating… M tells me that the only way I can survive her is if I stop thinking about her as an adult and treat her like a child. He says this is the advice FIL gave them when they were teenagers. She throws tantrums like you wouldn’t imagine, thinks she’s the most beautiful “naazuk” creature God could have created and never admits she could be wrong… let me rephrase that… it's not that she doesn’t admit she’s wrong, she genuinely BELIEVES that what she thinks is the ONLY correct way to go. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world tells her… and that’s what makes her more difficult to handle.

I’m at work now. Work on it's own is great. I like the people I work with and the environment… the money of course is another plus. But I may leave. Though my MIL doesn’t say anything to me, she has been complaining to everyone under the sun that I don’t do any housework… she thinks that between 7 am when I leave to 8 pm when I come back, I just go to have a good time.

M and I cant go out anywhere anymore without her creating a fuss… she begins each sentence with “mae ne tum logon ko manna nahi kiya MAGAR……” M and I are in separate buildings at work, yet she thinks we spend the entire day together.

She wants attention ALL the time. If M eats something I cooked without tasting the sabzee she made she will say “Itni ACHI sabzi hae,.. Khao khao”… or if I make something M (or anyone else for that matter) really likes, she will make the same thing after 2 days… and she isn’t really a great cook… and serve it… and if Mo doesn’t like it that much or doesn’t eat it with the same gusto, she starts yelling... “Uss din bevee ne banaya tha tau tum ne or kuch nahi khaya tha, aaj kya masla hae”… I feel like she is constantly competing with me. If I buy something she buys it too, if I wear a saree she has to wear it too… if I make noodles, she has to make them too a few days later… she made noodles that were SO bad I couldn’t eat them... plain boiled unsalted egg noodles. With BOILED cabbage and chicken, NO seasoning, no vinegar, no soy sauce… I ate leftovers from the day before but she forcefed M two LARGE platefuls… (Bevee pakatee hae tub tau bohot khatay ho)

So anyway, I might leave work because it just complicates things at home… leaving me no time for myself. I am constantly underslept, tired and cranky. At least if I stay home I can satisfy the attention seeker inside her and have time to pretty up for M. Because these days after work I literally put my bag and dupatta down and go into the kitchen… I get to go to my room only to sleep. Yesterday (first Roza) was better. It was Friday so we got off at 12.30… I was home by 2 and that at least gave me time to go home, and clear up some clutter in my room before being summoned at 4 to prepare Iftaari.

Today I get off at 1.45, so I should hopefully be home by 3.30 ish. Yesterday, while at work, M called me and said that he “missed” me and that we needed to spend some time together. I would quit but I like having more money than I can go through in a month. I like meeting people and having some semblance of a “life” again. But I also miss things like walks, and TV and long baths… things I don’t have time for anymore. I am thinking of starting a business that I can do on my own time from home… but I cant make up my mind. I’ve discussed it with Mo and he says I should think about it and so what makes me happy. My Mommy thinks that for a peaceful future life I should quit and do something from home that can satisfy my “must-do-something-productive” keera… pick up a hobby or something. But I'm afraid if I do that I will end up ALL the housework like I was before I started working again while my MIL watches Indian soap reruns and cheap Indian films all day.

I am going to miss watching the leaves change color in Islamabad this autumn… I loved driving around… even aimlessly loitering around the roads in Isloo in autumn. There is no autumn here.

AND I am going to end this post before it gets any more weepy.

bitch bitch and bitch some more~

2007-09-06T10:27:00.000+05:00

I have been pretty low these days… very blue actually and I don’t know why. Actually I do know and I also don’t know... it's complicated.

I miss Islamabad so frikkin’ much … and it's not just because I miss Ami and Ana…I miss the weather, I miss the hills, I miss the places I shopped at, I miss knowing everywhere there is to go, I miss the short distances, I miss the 24 hour electricity, I miss random lunch dates with friends, I miss my long walks… there is SO much to miss.

I used to like Karachi… and I still don’t hate the city as such. It's living in Malir Cantt that is killing me. Aik tau it is so far away from ANYTHING that we cant do anything in the evenings… not that we have time because since we live in Malir Cantt by the time we get home in the evening it's 8 if not later.

I miss working in Isloo when I could leave my house at quarter to 9 and still be at work on time. I miss being able to leave work at 5.30, walk for an hour in F9 park and still be home by 7. Here I leave for work at 7.30 am and STILL have a hard time reaching work by 9. But Malir Cantt is a nice safe place to live in… at the expense that you are left with no time to actually have a life!!!

Plus I feel such a bitch these days… I know it's because I am frustrated because of the lack of free time on my hands… every thing … every teeny tiny little thing about my MIL pisses me off SO much. Things that would have otherwise been highly amusing make me HATE living with my in-laws. And I KNOW that I am at fault here for being na-shukra. (ungrateful)

I have Mashallah a very nice susraal. But yaar, banday ke personal issues ki bhee koi hudd hoti hae. No matter how much I tell myself ke ye in kee ghalti nahi hae, she is just a suppressed, insecure woman… but no matter how understanding I try to be, there’s a little voice inside me that keeps saying “…so she has issues… why do you have to suffer?” But like a good Bahu I keep my mouth shut in front of the parents… but obviously I get upset and then that results in me lashing out at poor Mo.

The Parents in law treat M and BIL like such babies still…I being a girl and all was still given more freedom than they have even now… and they’re so used to it that they don’t even know what they are missing. They have NO friends and they don’t go out anywhere alone. Height of entertainment is that the poora khandaan, mummy daddy and bachay mil ker aik gaari mae ice cream kha ker aatay haen…

To me there is something very abnormal about a 24 year old university going boy who comes home at 2 and stays indoors all day all the time. Not once in the 8 months I've been here have I seen BIL go out with friends… nor Mo for that matter but he at least did go out now and then before we got married, now he doesn’t go because of me. That’s ok but I want US to make friends and have a social life.

M and BIL have been (and still are) mollycoddled to the extent that they don’t even serve food for themselves at mealtimes. M does now but BIL still says “Ami mujhay khana nikaal den...” and if Ami is not around I have to do the honours. I always used to think my bro was nikkamma but these two take the cake. They can’t iron, they can’t even light a stove with a match because they have never been allowed to.

******

Ok I wrote all of the above before lunch. For lunch break I went with Rabs to the Forum where I bought some lingerie… and I ate ice-cream so I am happier now... or lets say I’ve numbed myself for sometime if not made myself happier.

The story of the gold slippers!!!

2007-09-03T10:34:00.000+05:00

My MIL and FIL had gone for a 15 day Umrah/Dubai shopping trip… and my MIL bought herself the most HORRENDOUS golden beady flat pointy toe slippers imaginable! AND she loves them so much she wore them the day she landed to a dinner we had to go to (with a matching golden tissue dupatta. She is always complaining that I never dress up enough. As if I can ever beat her “tayyari”. heheh

2007-08-14T12:50:00.001+05:00

Welcome to bitching central! I feel like one these days, ALL the frikkin time. Maybe i just need to accept and come out with the true bitch inside me and stop pretending to be oh so sweet.

Good Morning! I'm a bitch and YOU'd better stop pushing me around!

I miss my mommy.

2007-08-03T12:39:00.000+05:00

I joined facebook to help me pass time... not really helping. The urge to blog is also dead... as i know no one reads this. Why would they?

Right now I miss Islamabad so much its making me cry. I'm missing my friends. Here I have no one to talk to and it sucks. I miss the freedom i had.

How can i be so very very happy with M, yet be so terribly unhappy about 'me'?!?!?!? Heres what I could come up with ...

• I have a great job… but it's not fulfilling
• I have a great husband… but I’m not the great wife I wanted to be
• I have wonderful in-laws… I feel like a bitch when i complain
• I live in a beautiful house… but I’d rather have a tiny home of my own
• I have Mo to talk to… but I miss Batty
• I’m fat and may never be able to have kids
• Half my office people think I’m older than M
• I have no time to myself anymore

2007-08-02T11:52:00.000+05:00

Sometimes its not that you dont want to write or that there's nothing happening worth writing about. Sometimes, its just lack of time and pure laziness. Work is ok. Not too much to do most of the time. I've been working at UBL for 2 months now and Moo joined last week as well. Good thing is that, though we're in different depts, buildings and floors, we at least get to be together on the LONG drive home... and its very long an hour and a half when there is no traffic. Was stuck in a jam once reached home in 4 hours.Otherwise life is fine.

I miss Isloo though. So very very much. Karachi is a crappy place to live. I cant understand WHY karachi-ites are so fond of it. But i've kinda adjusted. Dont have a choice anyway so...

M is great.. Has the potential of winning best husband award if such a thing existed. Its his bday in 20 days and i still dont know what to get him.

I miss you so much!

2007-05-19T09:42:00.000+05:00

Tears In Heaven
Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same, if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong, and carry on,
'Cause I know, I don't belong,
here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way, through night and day,
'Cause I know, I just can't stay,
here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please,
begging please.

Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure,
And I know, there'll be no more,
tears in heaven.

(Eric Clapton)

I Cant believe its been two years already.

2007-05-06T23:01:00.000+05:00

Welcome to Karachi. The most “beautiful” city in the world!!! In case you missed the sarcasm, let me assure you that its VERY much there.
The electricity is constantly playing cat and mouse games. It’s off more hours a day than it is on!!! AND it’s so very very humid. I wash my hair and it's wet for two days!!! M says that May and June are the worst months in Karachi and things will get better come July. I hope so!
It's 20 days till Mo’s ex comes to town. I had hoped to drop a few pounds by the time she comes, if not a lot then at least the ones I’ve gained since the wedding. No luck so far. AND it's going to be difficult what with the kind of lifestyle I have here and the kind of food that we eat. But I still have 20 days. I could do SOMETHING. I desperately want to be sexier than the ex… I am definitely prettier (so modest I am) but I lose a lot of points being fat…
Mo has his comprehensives coming up and he is not studying at all!!! Need to push him to do that.. but poor guy hardly has the time. Will have to help him me thinks.
Hope to start working really soon… have my fingers crossed. Wont say anything until everything is finalized. Pray for me!!!

2007-04-29T23:57:00.000+05:00

Disclaimer
Reading back, I realize I’ve been bitching a lot. My life is in a good place. My husband is the best and takes really good care of me. All I have to do is mention something and it is done. My in-laws are nice too and treat me like a daughter. So if I came across as being disrespectful or hateful towards anyone it was not meant that way. I’m just a bitch when I’m tense and P.M.Sy… and as far as MIL goes, I totally understand why she behaves the way she does and I actually feel sorry for her. She has been suppressed so long that this is the way she has become. I am going to try and be more understanding towards her and not be such a mean person in general… like I said, my life is good and I am grateful for that.

2007-04-25T17:57:00.000+05:00

I hate being a housewife!!! Every time someone calls me a “housewife”, I want to stuff their socks down their throats… it actually feels like they are insulting me. Plus it feels like all I do all day is cook, clean, cook, clean on and on and on……… Mil has totally stopped cooking if I’m around… and if she does, then she keeps rubbing it in my face. She’s always trying to show me up… like I’m a rival not her daughter in law. If I make a mistake, she cackles with glee… yes cackle, not laugh! It feels like I’m never out of the kitchen… I know I’m probably being unreasonable right now… but screw that, I am extremely depressed right now.

Missing Spring!!!

2007-04-24T00:32:00.000+05:00

My pet cactus in Isloo has given off flowers!!! Bright pink ones on the tip of each spine!!! MY MUM told me when I called home today. She said she’d MMS me pictures but none so far. I’ll post them “if” I get them soon (or at all).
It’s little things like these that make me miss Isloo the most. Like a couple of weeks ago, there was a picture of a beautiful tree loaded with red foliage and blossoms titled spring in Islamabad (or something like that) on page 2 of the newspaper. I felt SO nostalgic then… cuz to me it wasn’t just a pretty tree. It was the tree next to the signal on the road that leads to Faisal mosque, the one next to the fountain… the one I passed by everyday on my way to and from work!!!
These days, I miss Isloo purely on the basis that I am missing spring!!! I LOVE spring in Islamabad… everything is SO beautiful… the colours, the flowers, the hills, the general atmosphere…aaarrrggghhh!!!!
In Karachi, I doubt people even know what true spring is like!!! They don’t understand the concept of spring… but it’s not their fault, Spring is a season that doesn’t come here at all.

2007-04-23T13:53:00.000+05:00

MUST GET MORE ORGANIZED!!!

Disillusionment.

2007-04-22T04:03:00.000+05:00

Everyone knows its going to happen. Everyone knows things wont be hunky dory forever. Yet a tiny part of us stays secretly in denial, hoping otherwise.
But real life creeps in uninvited, when we least expect it… and illusions shatter. Things that seemed cute and annoyingly adorable start getting on your nerves. Like:
*When you’d rather he picked up his clothes off the floor himself, or
*When you’d rather he let you watch the movie and not want to snuggle, or
*When his price conscientiousness makes you want to hit him
*When you realise that your husband really isn’t as romantic as you were led
to believe (by him)
*When you get irritated at him more than twice a day

That’s when you know, the honeymoon period is over!!!

P.S: Either that or I’m just really P.M.S.y and being a bitch by making it a bigger deal than it is.

2007-04-20T01:51:00.000+05:00

Sanjaya is going home!!!!!!!!!!! Yippeee Yay Yahoo and THANK GOD!!! If you don’t know what I’m talking about that means you don’t watch American idol and that makes you a “LOSER”!!! LOL. I’ve even got my FIL and MIL watching it!!!
Anyway, back to Sanjaya… I’ve never been so happy about anyone getting voted off AI ever!!! Simon looked so happy he was almost laughing! I couldn’t watch the live telecast this afternoon because we had no electricity. (Thank you KESC) However, I called Ana and “heard” the results over the phone (Yes I am that “khawaar”)
Right now I am awake cuz we have no electricity (again) and while M is sprawled across the bed snoring, making do with the residual coolness of the room, I am wide awake, maybe because I wasn’t sleeping when the lights went out to begin with. But I am also not sleepy otherwise. Maybe I’ll post this when we get the power back, hopefully in another hour or so… its already been a good forty minutes.
So anyway, I’m becoming a full time cook around here. At first it was like my MIL would cook and I’d offer to help and she would be all like “no, I’ll do it blah blah blah maybe you could just cut up the onions for me…” Now, its “what are you making for lunch/dinner?” or “How about you make thisfor dinner?” or “YOU should add lots of crushed chillies to this one!” …
Its almost 2… infact, it IS 2 am… still no electricity… residual coolness all gone… sweating like a pig…I hope the power comes back before I pass out from the heat!!! (Cant open the windows remember!!!)

2007-04-19T17:51:00.000+05:00

At home. Cooking and laundering. RPho called. She says “Is liye itna parhaya likhaya tha???” On top of that the boy who helps around the house got scabies and we had to send him home lest he transmits it to us so we basically have no help save the maid who only does the cleaning (jhaaroo taaki only)… And the cherry on the cake is (if the blasted weather wasn’t enough) that electricity goes off thrice a day on average for an hour and a half EACH time it goes! And with the generator still out of order I’m always either freshly wet out of the shower or wet with fresh sweat!!!~ romantic isn’t it!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2007-04-18T13:50:00.000+05:00

You have NO idea how HARD it is to write when M is around!!! He doesn’t like me doing anything that doesn’t involve him when he’s home…which by the way is not as bad as it sounds… its actually kinda cute. Can I blame him for wanting to spend as much time with me as he can. heheh
Right now I’d like to catch up on stuff that I’ve been negligent to mention here that I would have otherwise…
1. The day after Hasan's engagement we took Moiz to Pir Sohawa for lunch where we mentioned the shooting for the theme song of a low budget “pushto” film “layvanay”… (“Layvanay” is Pushto for loco, crazy, insane etc). Needless to say it was an experience!!! The filmmakers were PROBABLY going for a romantic feel to the song… what it came across as was incredibly vulgar, supremely hilarious and really really SAD!!! Hasan got chummy with the lighting crew and we found out that the Hero, who looked like he could be driving any rickshaw in any old part of town was the “great” Shahid Khan… and the Heroine, whose clothes looked like they’d been sprayed on her and then “generously” slashed in several strategic places was the “famous” lahori stage actress Sidra Noor~!!! Useless information I know.
2. On my birthday BBQ party my in-laws threw for me on the rooftop… I was dressed in an electric blue silk dress… with silver “kaam” on it, and I wore a full SET of jewellery that I would normally have thought TWICE about wearing even to a wedding!!! Oh and ALL my heavy gold bangles … dressed like that, I was slapping kebabs and tikkas on the BBQ!!! No the Karachi air has NOT gotten to me… my MIL insisted that I wear all this… my argument that BBQs are a casual occasion by any standard fell on deaf ears… the verdict… I HAD to dress up since this was my first “function” in the family!!!
3. Moiz accidentally parked in a No-Parking zone when he took me out for dinner to Arizona Grill this weekend… and when we came out the car was gone!!! I was afraid it might have been stolen but the guard told us it had been towed away by the traffic police… So we rode in a (get this) RICKSHAW to the traffic station place to get it back… it was fun! (The rickshaw ride, not the money we had to pay to get the car back)

2007-04-15T23:49:00.000+05:00

Can anyone tell me WHERE in this entire godforsaken city can I find ONE decent pair of shoes?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
P.S: By decent I mean a pair NOT studded with rhinestones to an inch of its life and possessing a comfortable heel.

2007-04-13T15:39:00.000+05:00

Find me a job or I’ll shoot!!! (myself)

2007-04-11T19:48:00.000+05:00

I’m a terrible “housewife”!!! I’m sorry but I CAN NOT find satisfaction in doing housework… cant be proud of the fact that my floors are shining or my drawers are perfectly organised…
All this is just not my “thing” you know. The more I stay at home the less interested I am in the way my domain looks or whether my bookshelves are dust-free and the clothes can stay lying all over the chairs where M “artistically” drapes them after changing out of them.
I’m desperate to get “out”!!!

2007-04-10T13:46:00.000+05:00

Yesterday it was two years to the day that Dadi died. Today, it’s been 12 years since Haris Bhaiya died. Next month, Abu will have been gone two years too. With Haris Bhaiya and Chacha, who’s been gone for 10 years, yes it does feel like its been a long long time… but with Dadi and specially Abu, its seems like yesterday still… and always hard to believe they’re really gone.
In school we learnt the phrase “Time and Tide wait for no man” and it’s just something that we have to remember… yet when we grow up and experience “life” in all of its colours, these old adages prove themselves to be constantly true. No matter how close we are to someone and how much it feels we cant live without them… time does not stop.
Its proverbs like this one whose meaning is acquired over time… they’re like empty balloons that you’ve stashed in some corner in your closet and you happen by them some day only to find that they’ re all full of air… life…

URGH… screw it!!! I suck at comparisons.

2007-04-06T08:58:00.000+05:00

What am I? The frikkin’ MAID!!!

2007-03-28T13:05:00.000+05:00

Since I returned from Isloo my salvation has been “Desperate Housewives” seasons 1, 2 and 3… the last CD of which I have just finished watching… tell you the truth I didn’t want it to end…'cuz what am I going to do now??? But thankfully I have seasons 1-4 of “Sex & the City” in “reserve” that I am going to start tomorrow.

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be spending my days watching TV, doing laundry and waiting for my husband to come home I would have laughed in their faces!!! BUT that’s exactly what I have been doing.

For now I am bored out of my wits!!! So I am going to bitch about married life. For the record though… I am NOT bitching about my In-laws… just letting off some steam on my frustration being stuck at home all day with nothing to do except laundry!!!

Never before in my LIFE have I done laundry and I’m not keen on doing it now but my MIL is believes that clothes are something that should not be washed by the hired help… and she washes all the clothes herself... so now I have to wash mine and M's 'cuz since she does hers I can hardly get a maid to do ours.

Speaking of my MIL, there’s a Funny incident that makes me giggle every time I think about it… A couple of weeks ago M cleaned out his drawer and from that he found a set of keys that belonged to his cubicle at his office, the locks to which had been changed so the keys were basically useless. My MIL did not let him throw those away!!! She kept them with herself!!! WHY??? I don’t know!!! And she has keys from her old house too!!! She says she keeps them just in case someday a lock is stuck and one of the keys can open it!!!!!!

And speaking of keys… there is a handbag bigger than an old lady’s purse that goes with us every time we go out! I don’t even know how many keys are in there… but they weigh AT LEAST a kilo… or more!!! And Why? Because every door in every room of the entire house has to be locked… not only when we go out, but also at night AND if we’re upstairs… downstairs is locked up and vice versa!!! I mean the whole POINT of them moving to God forsaken Malir Cantt was because its safe right!!! So why the paranoia??? The reason they moved here was because the last place they lived two men held them at gunpoint and robbed their house so they shifted here. But that should teach them of all people that if someone (God forbid) does break into their home locks wont do any good 'cuz once he’s IN the robber would just either force them to open every door there is in the house OR if no one’s home… just break open every single door in the house.. and those would have to be replaced!!!

One of the good things about living here is the breeze!!! Even when its hot in the daytime... like it is today… there is always a nice cool breeze to make up for it in the evening. And the good thing about being in Malir is that there is no smell of smog or rotting fish in that breeze (like there is in the more popular parts of Khi). ANYWAY in Isloo, unless we had the AC on… the windows were NEVER closed in the summers!!! Here, we can't even think of opening them!!! Why??? Because open windows let in flies and mosquitoes and DUST like you wont imagine!!! And trust me… the mosquitoes here are LETHAL!!!

Plus our house is so frikkin’ far away that going out is an ordeal what with the rotten traffic as an added turn-off… We hardly go anywhere during the week and if we do its mostly with M’s whole family... again 'cuz we live so far away that whenever anyone is going anywhere its all preplanned and everyone decides to come along and going anywhere in a car full of people is not really fun. Its not like anyone here is intentionally doing this and I’m not complaining 'cuz its really no ones fault… but I have always liked going out and stuff… even if it was just for the heck of it… and my mother used to say that I couldn’t stay at home two days straight without going nuts… and sometimes I WANT to just go out nowhere in particular with just my husband… the only time M and I ever go out (alone) is on Saturdays… 'cuz its his day off.

AND though M is a sweetheart, he is SO “mummy-daddy”… I mean for God’s sake grow UP!!! You’re married now… learn to be responsible for yourself!!! Yesterday he got his paycheck and was going to give it to his mother for “safekeeping” until I could go to the bank to deposit it!!! I mean WHAT??? It’s like sometimes he can't believe he’s all grown up!!!

Don’t get me wrong… Moo is the BEST!!! And my In-laws are REALLY nice people. Even my MIL… she’s a sweet person she really is… its just that all families are different and they behave and interact differently and I’m finding the norms here a little hard to digest!!!

I’ve been so used to being my own person and not having to depend on anyone to go anywhere or buy anything, that having to ask has become the most difficult thing for me to do. Like two days ago I was PMSy and cranky and had this HUGE craving for a Zinger… and I hinted and I hinted and I hinted to M that I wanted one… but I just could not bring myself to tell him outright that I wanted to go and get one… and M is not too good with subtle suggestions. Before I got married, if I ever had a craving for anything I would just pick up MY own car keys and go spend MY own money on whatever it was that I wanted whenever I wanted it… the dynamic has changed so much that I don’t feel in control anymore… and it depresses me SO much.

2007-03-23T12:53:00.000+05:00

M bought me a brand spanking new computer with a 17” LCD Plasma monitor that I have fallen absolutely in love with… He gave it to me 2 days ago since he couldn’t wait till my birthday to surprise me… Isn’t he the coolest!!! I told Mayyam and she said that M just kept on earning himself brownie points… but them he doesn’t really need to earn brownie points ‘cuz he IS the best thong that has ever happened to me anyway… really truly!!! Now all I need is a good DSL connection and I’ll probably become the most satisfied wife in Malir Cantt (and I wont have to rely on “desperate housewives” to help me pass time)!!!

Missing Moo!

2007-03-08T23:46:00.000+05:00

I miss Moo! Very very very very much! I knew I’d miss him, but if I had known it would be SO bad I would never have come alone!

BUT having said that, its good to be around Ami and Ana… though Hasan is right back on track… same attitude etc etc. he’s back to being his usual rude selfish self. He has only one thing on his mind these days… GETTING ENGAGED!!!

Anyway, I’m off to bed now. Have a phone date with my husband before I sleep… just like old times. My husband, whom I miss very much (did I mention that?!?!?!?!?)

Isloo Poo!!!

2007-03-07T23:54:00.000+05:00

I’m here!!! And it’s WEIRD to be home… One minute it doesn’t feel like I’ve been gone at all… and the next it seems like I’ve been gone forever! I walked in through the main door of (my mothers) house and headed straight to (what used to be) my room. Its not my room anymore!!! It’s Hasan’s… and Ana has moved into Hasan's old room and it is here that I have been “put” for the duration of my stay. It feels strange to be “home” yet sleeping in a room I have never spent the night in before.

Anyway, today was good. Ami and Ana (and R.Pho and everyone else) were surprised to see me.. and happy!!!... which of course made me happy too. But if I’m honest, now that I’ve met Ami and Ana and the grandparents, I want to go back! I miss M so much that it’s not even funny AND it feels weird to sleep all alone in a room. I like knowing M is right there even when I’m asleep. It feels lonely. I may have to cut my trip short—'cuz I think its going to be difficult spending the next 15 days without him.

RuHguZaR???

2007-03-06T11:56:00.000+05:00

I had some problem with the java settings on my laptop because of which I couldn't read comments on my posts... that is until today... and I'm wondering... WHo's Ruhguzar??? If you're reading this why dont you tell me... OR share your blog link so I know some more about you hmmm???

Me being Silly!!!

2007-03-06T11:45:00.000+05:00

Tomorrow I’m going to Isloo.
La dee daa dee daa doo.

I’m going to surprise Ami & Ana too…
LA DEE DAA DEE DAA DOO!!!

Mwahahahahahahahahahha!!!

Having said that… I really don’t want to go without Mo. I’m going to miss him terribly. Its SO easy to get used to the good things in life. AND M is a good thing… The best really!!! J Is that cheesy??? I don’t care… IT’S A GLORIOUS FEELING TO BE IN LURRRVE!!!

2007-03-01T14:56:00.000+05:00

The date for Maryam’s wedding has been fixed!!! Well ALMOST. Its going to take place in the last week of December. Speaking of December… guess who else is getting married in December… UMAIR SHAMSI!!!!!! He called me on the day before my Mehndi (or was it the day of?) and told me all about it. Its an online hookup with a girl he used to go to school with. I just hope Maryam's wedding dates don’t clash with his wedding dates… cuz I wanna attend them both which could be tricky since his is going to be in Khi and Mayyams obviously in Isloo.

2007-02-28T10:27:00.000+05:00

It’s been a ling long time since I posted… but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been feeling the urge to write!!! It’s only when I try to go online that things go downhill. Being as used as I am to broadband, using dial-up is more of a headache than anything else and Moiz has the crappiest dial-up connection ever!!! Not that its M’s fault, but Malir Cantt has a really outdated exchange and that royally screws up any chances of getting a good connection using dial-up… which sadly, is the only option available in “ye ole Malir Cantt” the “pind” of Karachi.

Anyhoo… I am DETERMINED to post today… no matter how long it takes and no matter how many times per minute I get disconnected… I SHALL POST!!! Or at least I will try to!!!

2007-02-13T01:34:00.000+05:00

My excuse for the long gaps in between writing… I’ve been “away” getting married and relocating… that’s GOT to be a valid excuse! Plus the net here sucks big time!

Brief recap of the time I’ve been away. I got married 2 weeks into the New Year and I went totally ballistic the last month or so of my “single” life. I didn’t manage to lose ANY weight… even though I survived on raw carrots and OJ only the last 3 or 4 weeks… but no surprises there!!! Much as I dreaded it, I WAS a FAT bride. But getting married is fun man! Especially pre-wedding when EVERYONE crashes over at your place and it is just one big non stop party. A whole lot of laughing and dancing and all nighters! I don’t think I slept more than 5 hours over the last 3 days and only ONE hour the night before my “Shaadi”…

Though I think I didn’t look too bad on the shaadi either, EVERYONE thought I looked “absolutely amazing” on my Valima (their words not mine J) But you KNOW you look good when you enter the room and there is a collective hush broken only by everyone gushing over how GOOD you look! So the Valima was a huge bigass ego-boost!!! I felt like the most beautiful person in the world!!!

Anyway since then I’ve been settling down here. M leaves for work at 7.30 AM and doesn’t return until around 7.30 PM… when he’s EARLY!!! It gets kinda boring cuz there’s only so much cleaning you can do in your room. So I try and do other stuff to pass time… like cooking and stuff. It beats sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for M to get home. Didn’t even watch too much TV till now since they have SUN TV and that doesn’t even show Star World!!!

Imagine life without American Idol and The Apprentice!!! Kher, I got a cable connection for my room so that has made life easier.

This is the first time I’ve been up past M!!! Its almost 2 AM and M is snoring!!! Not loud or annoying or disgusting at all. Imagine what a snoring kitten would sound like… J Its Cuteness!!!

Milestone: 20 more to go!!!

2006-12-24T12:48:00.000+05:00

and I am so busy that its CRAZZY!!! CRAZY I tell you!!! Getting married is definitely not all peaches and cream... Its a tough deal I tell you. No matter HOW dysfunctional your family is and no matter HOW much you want to strangle your siblings... the idea of "leaving" is very difficult to handle in itself.

I read somewhere..."Marriage is not for the faint-hearted"... It so definitely aint!

Milestone: 46 Days to go...

2006-11-27T17:24:00.000+05:00

ok NOW time is going by too fast... and my regular visitors (if i have any) Im not dead... just insanely busy. More later promise!!! And sooner!!!

2006-10-12T12:31:00.000+05:00

Last night Ana showed Me and Ami an essay she had written for school... an autobiography. While it was really well written, I felt quite sad after reading it. She'd written about Abu and I couldnt help thinking she's missed out on so much, cuz Abu had been sick since she was 5. I said as much to Ami and she said that she thought that even Hasan and I have missed out on so much... cuz she still has her father and the support she has had because of Nana is astounding... specially now.

I felt quite bad cuz she's right. Even now, while preparing for my wedding I miss Abu so much... things would have been so different had he still been around.

As my wedding comes closer... I am not so sure I want to leave Islamabad. My family, friends, my entire support system is here and... lets just say i dont like how time is passing by so quickly. While M is over the moon at crossing the 100 day mark... I feel I was happier when the wedding was still something that had to happen in the "distant" future.

But then that is just one aspect of it! At times I still cant wait for it to be January... and the next instant I am dreading it! I dont think its a good sign for me to be this confused. Someone said the other day that this was normal... I dont care if it is... I dont like it.

Milestone: 99 days to the wedding!

2006-10-06T10:44:00.000+05:00

and I am still fat fat FAT!
kee keriyay!?!?!?!?

Sigh!

Needs and wants...

2006-10-05T11:11:00.000+05:00

There is so much I need (and want) to do before the end of the month.

I need to transfer all my personal files on to CDs and take them home.
I need to finish writing my last case study.
I need to cancel all my credit cards.
I need to finalize my car lease switchover to Ammu Bhaiya.
I want to get my wedding invites printed.
I want to try and manage one last business trip to Lahore.
I want to tie up all... ALL... the loose ends in my life!

I Quit!!! So there!

2006-10-04T08:22:00.000+05:00

So I resigned and it feels great! I dont have to put up with anyones shit anymore!!! Hahah!!! I thought I would feel SOME regret at leaving, but I dont really. I do regret giving up my independance... Spending two months at home is not really my cup of tea. But I think of it this way, I will get to be home alone in the mornings... and I want to spend more time with my family for the last two months I'm here.. even if they do drive me up the wall!!!

2006-09-26T14:57:00.000+05:00

Aftari date with Batty and the gals... I mean to have fun... I really need it!!!

2006-09-25T08:46:00.000+05:00

I'm resigning at the end of this month. I have my letter of resignation written out, just have to print it and submit it in... 4 days to go! After which I have to serve one months notice!

Even though I dont normally forward sms messages... but I got one from Hayya asking me if there was one thing I could steal from her... what would it be? I replied and said her social skills... and then she said I needed to send it back to her so she could tell me what she would steal from me... so for laughs I sent it out

Hayya wants my levelheaded-ness
Tallu wants to steal my big blue mothball!
Zain wants to steal my skin color (lol)
Nubla wants my Positive attitude
Rida wants my Britney Fantasy perfume, (eukh she can have it), my salary, my car, and my cell phone
Maham wants my Britney Fantasy perfume(the two of them can fight over it)
Maliha wants my eyes and my complexion
Sana wants my hair
Moiz wants my "pure soul" (GAG)
Adeela Khala wants to steal my extra weight... and hide it so I can never find it again (lol)
Fahd wants to steal my B.F (Bat)
Bat wants to steal my friend Fahd(What these two dont realise is... they already did)

So basically people see me as a fat, level-headed, positive, CHITTA person with nice hair and eyes, a Blue mothball, Britney Fantasy perfume, a car, a phone AND a friend who's in love with someone who used to be my friend! lol.

How flattering!

I HATE:

2006-09-22T17:22:00.000+05:00

The fact that life is not fair... but we have to get used to it!!!
The fact that certain people think my life "should" revolve around them and I should treat them like the sun comes out of their ass!
People who deliberately take SO long to reach for their wallets after eating out that the other people ALWAYS end up paying for them.
Stingy people...( I know this seems the same as #3... but I cant emphasize this enough)
The fact that I cant lose weight!
That whenever something goes wrong in life, I cant just press Ctrl+Alt+Del and restart!
Whiny men!
Being lied to and being taken for granted!
Having two left feet
The fact that people who pretend to be all "good" arent really that good and get what they dont really deserve

11. The fact that I can find so much to hate!

MC-Day2: Afternoon~I ATE =(

2006-09-13T15:58:00.000+05:00

NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO…. I went out for lunch with some friends/colleagues… confident that with my new-found will power I would be able to resist anything and would contentedly sip my Lemonade.

But the second they found out what I was doing and planning to do for the next 20 days.. they freaked OUT big time! Hayya in particular got SO freaked out she started freaking ME out too… She kept yelling How can you do this to yourself.. You’ll kill yourself!!!! Then they all started preaching about how this was really unhealthy and I would develop complications etc etc… But I persevered and did not eat… until right at the end… when Hayya started emotionally blackmailing me and literally FORCE FED me some Chop Suey... threatening to tell Ami and Moiz.

Even though eating that felt REALLLY GOOD… cuz Ive never gone this long without eating… I’m feeling guilty as sin. Have decided that from now on I will not tell anyone what I am doing… except here and on 43things of course! I will not have any lemonade for the rest of the day and get back on track.

I’m sure my Mum will notice I havent eaten anything at home for 2 days and she will freak out too.. I know her. I wish I knew how to tackle wellwishers who think I am suicidal for doing this?

MC-Day2: Morning~~ Silly ole me!!!

2006-09-13T09:42:00.000+05:00

I made it through day one,,, YAYYYYYY!!! I was fine most of the day… I only got REALLLY hungry by 9 PM so I had my Lemonade and went to bed…. I had every intention of getting up by 11-ish to call my fiance and have my tea… but I totally conked off… didnt wake up till this morning! So no tea… and even though he called at his usual time I was too sleepy to actually talk to him… I think I fell asleep on him! heheh!!!

Yesterday was a silly silly day!!! First, when I read directions for the SWF… it said 2 teaspoons in a quart of water… and since here we use Litres and ml as measuring units, I automatically assumed that by “quart” the book meant “quarter of a litre… basically one glass!!! No WONDER i found SWF so bad… imagine drinking 2 tsps salt in ONE GLASS of water!!!! By midmorning however I figured that a “Quart” is 0.95 litres!!!! Almost 3.5 glasses!!!! So I fixed that this morning! Didnt gag or feel like throwing up… but I still think SWF is an unpleasant thing to do.

Then there was the cayenne pepper issue! I couldnt find “Cayenne” pepper anywhere in the markets!!! So I called my aunt this morning to ask her if she knew where I could get some… She said “TRY YOUR KITCHEN!!!”

Seems like what people call “Cayenne Pepper” is what we in Pakistan use in EVERY thing we eat! Only, since it is SOOOOOOO common here… its just called ” red chilli powder”!!!

Hahahhahahah…To think I spent 2 whole days going to EVERY major supermarket around asking for Cayenne Pepper!!! No WONDER I couldnt find it in the “exotic” spice racks!!! Now I feel like SUCH a DOOFUS! I had almost ordered it online where it would have cost me at LEAST 20 US dollars (incl shipping)... when I can buy almost a KILOGRAM for ONE US.dollar!!!

BTW… ALL I dreamt about last night was me eating!!!

MC-Day 1:Afternoon~I'm not Hungry!!!

2006-09-12T14:54:00.000+05:00

I have no craving at all yet… have had 3 glasses of lemonade so far and im not really hungry! This is in itself funny because normally I am the craving QUEEN and I have absolutely NO willpower…. SPECIALLY when it comes to sweet stuff!!! Yet I totally didnt feel like even looking at the Donuts my colleagues bought in for our midmorning coffee break AND I was quite content just to sip my lemonade during Lunch hour!

This might just work!!!

Master Cleanse Day 1: Morning~ yukk

2006-09-12T09:18:00.000+05:00

The salt water flush is NASSSSTTTY!!!! It make me feel like throwing up (I didn’t though)... Can anyone tell me how much warm water and salt I should drink? I mean I took 2 tsp salt in one glass of water and it was so HARD to get down!!!!
Also… I couldnt find any sea salt so I used regular iodized table salt instead… is that bad??
I really hope I can stick to my 20 day goal… cuz this lemonade doesnt even taste like normal yummy lemonade… eukh!!!

Master Cleanse

2006-09-11T15:47:00.000+05:00

I joined this really cute forum style website called 43things a few days ago. There, I found out about the "Master Cleanse" plan... where, for the entire course of the program you dont eat ANY solid food... just lemonade flavored with maple syrup and seasoned with "Cayenne pepper" and plain water... also some laxative herbal tea and a Salt Water Flush (SWF) every morning. Seems like it may work where all else has failed! I spoke to people who did it, read their blogs and guess what!?!? I am starting tomorrow!!!

Wish me luck!!!

2006-09-08T14:41:00.000+05:00

Been Atkin-ing for 3 days now.... NO CHEATING!!! I'm a GOOD girl i am!!!

2006-08-29T15:54:00.000+05:00

The past few (maybe more) days have been horrible... i keep getting bad news!
Poor Ammu Bhaiya! I cant even say what Amber did to him here!
Poor ME!!! I have PCOS (look it up!)

I dont want to write anymore right now!

2006-08-27T12:22:00.000+05:00

My peace of mind has been completely disrupted! To think I even took that foolhardy scheme seriously!!! One doesnt appear out of the blue to throw something like that at you and then disappear! It just shows how much you care! Its been three GODDAMN days! I wish that he at least had the balls to stick to his stance!

You know what I think...I think his friend pushed him into it... and now that he is probably gone he is back to his usual indifferent self! I wonder if he even realised the implications of what he was asking me to do??? and to THINK I took it seriously and actually considered it as an option!!! I know that he is aware of the fact that I would go out of my way for him... but he just proved to me that I am taken for granted... and I wont have that! I am not some doormat someone can walk all over whenever they feel like it.

I gave him SEVERAL chances before I got engaged...right up to the DAY my engagement was finalised I TOLD him that there was still time. During that time... all it would have taken was ONE phone calland he didnt have the balls to do that then... yet he has the nerve to tell me NOW that he wants to marry me... and that I should break off my engagement... and having said that, he doesnt even have the decency to talk to me AND to top it all off... you dont even give me your OWN phone number!!! Why are you scared of giving me your number?

I feel like a prize FOOL for believing he actually meant it! I am seriously seriously disappointed! Not that he gives a rats ass about me being hurt or disapponted or anything...

Batool's right. I dont need a wuss! I want a man... and I have a man... one who may not be the coolest dude around but one who will fight for me and be there for me ehrn I need him. Someone who will go out of HIS way for me! And Moiz is all that YOU can never be!

Its not the size of a man's penis that counts, its the size of his balls... and sadly... YOU dont have any!

2006-08-25T12:14:00.000+05:00

What kind of CRAP is this! What right does anyone have to appear out of the blues and disrupt my life and mess up my head! I gave you a chance... several chances infact...and you were too chicken SHIT and/or indifferent to care... You couldnt bother coming out of your comfort zone then... and even NOW you expect ME to kick everyone in the teeth for you!!!

I hate this... dilemma!!! I have wanted this since I was 16! And now.. I both want and not want it!

URRGHHH!

2006-08-24T11:48:00.000+05:00

This morning, while I was brushing my teeth I recieved a most unexpected phone call! Then another one! and another one!

I dont know whether to laugh or cry. I'm confused as HELL. Actually not really confused cuz there is no way I would EVER willingly hurt Moiz... but I wish he had realised this sooner... I need to talk to someone... I'm calling Bat!

Arghhh why can't life be (and remain) simple!!!

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

2006-08-15T12:18:00.000+05:00

Hun Saaday Pind Ich Vee Mc Donald Haega!!!

And Ana is SOOO happpy!!!

Independance Day!!!

2006-08-14T23:48:00.000+05:00

But are we really independant??? Even now after 59 years of "freedom"!!!Kher anyway I am not going to go into a politics-flavoured monologue. When I was little, I remember being actually excited over August 14th. In the neighborhood that I used to live in at that time, people actually celebrated! Every house put up a Flag and the entire street was green with flags and bunting made of little flags. We used to wear green clothes and litle flag badges and had those sparklers at night... and we used to light lots of candles outside our house... All in the name of national spirit! In the neighborhood I live in now.... there is no such thing! NO ONE even had a flag outside their house... im not blaming anyone... even we didn't put one up! Kher come dusk I went off with Ana and bought a lot of candles and we stuck them outside our house and lit them. They looked kinda nice. I wanted to do something cuz even though Hasan and I are old (and jaded) I wanted Ana to experience some of the things we did...

SOMEbody's best friend!!!

2006-08-10T12:18:00.000+05:00

Being a "somebody" is something I had always wanted to be. I remember back in early grade school when my friends had ambitions to become doctors, pilots and what not... I wanted to become an "author"... cuz authors wrote books and people read them and everyone knew who they were. I aspired to be someone like Enid Blyton till I grew out of it... who am I kidding I still read any Enid Blyton that I havent read... not many of those though!!! But I'm digressing.

Later, as I grew older (and wiser?!?!?!?!!!) I still wanted to be a "somebody" and it didnt matter WHAT it was that made me a "somebody"... anything that would allow me to make a (respectable) name for myself. A name people would recognize and would inspire awe... Following our dreams is not always possible and making it possible is NEVER easy. It takes courage to make it happen, a lot and all kinds of courage!!!

This one is for Bat... for becoming an even bigger "somebody" than she was! The first female muslim journalist to go into Lebanon to become a war correspondant. I'm SO proud of you luv! All my prayers and wishes are with you!

CLICK HERE

P.S: I realise this is a little late coming... but I've had this one in my head since the day you left!!!

Nostalgic already!!!

2006-08-09T12:46:00.000+05:00

I'm Nostalgic for Islamabad already... and I havent even left yet!!! If you thought I was confused before.... THINK AGAIN!!! Its worse! At times I cant wait for it to be January... others I am clinging desperately to everyday I spend here.

I always liked Karachi... its a fun happening city! But I dont know if I'll like it once I'm living there! Every day for the past 2 weeks or so I've thought about how much I'm going to miss Islamabad and my life (if you can call it that) here... and the freedom I have here! These days Islamabad is beautiful... I've always thought Isloo is prettier during monsoon than it is in spring even! Its green everywhere... lush, vibrantand and beautiful GREEN! I'm going to miss the greenery... and the rain!!! Oh how I am going to miss rain!!! Even though this year it did rain in Karachi but (a) it was a drizzle compared to our isloo downpours (b) while you can enjoy rain here thanks to our excellent drainage system, in karachi rain brings chaos.., traffic jams, broken roads, detours, and endless power outages... and (c) it rains in karachi once in every 5 years!!!! I like my rain every year scattered all year round with heavy monsoon in summers thank you very much!!!

Im walking everyday for an hour in Capital Park... and I never realised this before... ITS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE!!! All of Isloo is!!! I'm getting teary now.

Having to live in Karachi will suck!!!

2006-08-01T13:19:00.000+05:00

Around this time last year I didnt think I'd ever get married! I wanted to but felt I never could. True, things didn't happened the way I'd always wanted and hoped they would, but happen they did... and I'm glad they did!

return to anonymity

2006-07-31T22:34:00.000+05:00

I noticed that my blog is getting increasingly less anonyomous ... I spent the past hour fixing that! I also noticed that its becoming increasingly more boring... but who cares!

So my wedding date has been fixed... FINALLY! 167 days from today, January 14th!!! The festivities will begin come new year though... 153 days to go till that!

You'd think that with my wedding looming closer everyday and with the insane amount of money I spent on the nutritionist and her weight loss program, I'd be sticking to my diet like superglue... but I'm not! This is something I havent admitted to anyone... I try to fool myself too sometimes. Even though I AM losing weight... the progress is SUPER SLOW!!! But I really should get serious now... I owe it to myself!

I have an appointment with my nutritionist/dietician tomorrow morning, but I dont think I will go. I cheated like craxy this week and she has a way of making me feel like a preschooler caught with my hand in a cookie jar and crumbs all over my face when i step on her scales and she tsk tsks at my progress... I think I'll go on Saturday instead and use this time to be GOOD! (food-wise)

.

2006-07-31T14:51:00.000+05:00

Sometimes all it takes is a nice cold lemonade, a good laugh and good company to make all the difference in the world... and make a bad day bearable!

Where?

2006-07-29T17:07:00.000+05:00

Niether here nor there!
How can one be at two places at the same time? yet I find myself stuck in this predicament. One has to be left behind. Sadly the decision , while already made... is excruciatingly difficukt to see through. Wish I could remain where I am... and then I wish I could get out of here as fast as possible......

...these are difficult times I tell you!!!

Bride-Zilla!!!

2006-07-28T13:08:00.000+05:00

I hate not being in control!!! I hate having someone else making all my decisions for me! I wish I had more say in the event planning and the menu and the catering and the decorating... ITS MY WEDDING DAMMNIT!!!

Vacant!

2006-07-27T15:55:00.000+05:00

I want to write, I've got loads to write about too... but everytime I sign in... i draw a blank.

Question: Does anyone even read my blog except Bat?

2006-07-25T15:45:00.000+05:00

Moiz has taken over my spare time... COMPLETELY! Whenever I have even a single free minute, I CALL HIM... In fact I am speaking to him even when I have stuff to do... and the neglect is catching up with me!!! I havent been watching ANY TV. I havent been paying attention to myself... and I have to be a frikkin BRIDE in 5 months.

Bats gone off to Lebanon, to be a war-correspondent. Most people say she's crazy but I would have gone too given the opportunity!

What else... MARYAMS GETTING ENGAGED!!! The guy is TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLL and a fighter pilot and we call him Makra!

Only in Pakiland!

2006-07-24T15:29:00.000+05:00

How smart am I?

2006-07-20T13:49:00.000+05:00

I took the Super IQ Test on Tickle.com.... According to them my IQ score is 152!!!

Thats better than 99% of the entire population of the world!!! Wish I could trust Tickle though! LOL

BLAH

2006-07-16T14:29:00.000+05:00

I am worried about the situation in Karachi. After the murders of the Shi'ite leader and his nephew day before yesterday, the city is a riot!!! Im concerned for M and everytime I call him and (for whatever reason) he is unable to answer, I FREAK OUT!!!

I am just praying that everything works out well without any mishaps OF ANY KIND!!! I have found the perfect person in M and I cannot afford to have ANYTHING happen to him. I hate the situation there... and M has to travel all over the place... in these frikkin conditions!

Kher in other news, my wedding date has been changed.... AGAIN!!! The new {tentative} date is January 13th. Lets see how many times it changes again!

----

P.S: On my most recent trip to my nutritionist, I discovered that I have lost absolutely ZILCH as far as weight is concerned... maybe I really SHOULD stop cheating on my diet. I NEED to lose weight!

It could have been me!

2006-07-12T23:26:00.000+05:00

Day before yesterday I flew to Lahore. My flight was 4 hours late. Why? The plane I was supposed to be on crashed killing all 45 people on board.

Earlier in the day when my admin person told me she'd booked me and Dija (the intern) on a fokker... I was very skeptical cuz the Fokker F-27 turboprop planes that PIA operates are really old... and when I was eight, another PIA Fokker, with 54 people onboard, went missing enroute to Gilgit. They say it crashed somewhere in the mountains and the plane's wreckage has never been found. Anyway, I voiced my concern to Dr. Sid and he made fun of me saying I was chicken and that Fokkers were the safest planes as they could glide if something went wrong. So I confirmed my seat.

An hour before I was scheduled to leave for the airport, I found out that a fokker had crashed in Multan... M kept calling telling me not to go... cuz he was scared... I tried to pacify him by convincing him that the probability of another plane crashing the same day was very low... also PIA had been told to ground all Fokkers... so I was fine... and I made sure M knew that too.

But I guess I was a little scared cuz I hugged Ami and kissed Ana before I left... and it was hkss birthday the next day and I wrote him a card for Ana to give him at midnight... just in case!

When we checked in for our flight and discovered our flight was delayed... we found out that we were supposed to be on the same plane that had crashed and they were arranging an alternate aircraft. The plane was going from Multan to Lahore when it crashed... It had to come to Islamabad from there and then make the return trip.

It was really freaky... what if tha problem that caused this particular plane to crash had developed AFTER I had boarded instead of before????????????? 3 hours in the lounge and we discovered that we WERE being sent in a fokker... which was alarming to say the least! Ours was the first Fokker to fly after the crash... also the last I think cuz the Fokkers being grounded thing was enforced today. Kher, for all the bravado I showed in front of M and Ami and On... I was scared shitless! Kept reciting the Ayat-ul-Kursi the entire flight! It was a gloomy flight anyway... We were the only ones getting off at Lahore. Everyone else was going to Multan for funerals of family/friends who had died in the crash.

Had a jampacked visit to Lahore... acivities back to back and hardly time for much else... though I managed to catch dinner at Nandos and lunch at Freddys... I didnt particularly enjoy myself that much. Maybe it was because I had to share my room with the intern... or maybe the whole flight fiasco... or maybe it was the sticky situation at home what with the Ami/hks/Car situation... I had a lot on my mind anyway!

Came home to a bickering family... it was Hkss birthday and he was in a rotten mood and Ami was mad at him and hadnt even wished him... Hks didnt come to pick me from the airport and I couldnt take my family out to dinner as I had planned. I was terribly terribly unhappy and bawled my head off once I reached home.

I took the day off today and took Ami shopping... Also bought presents for Hks, M, Raf... and the visiting children (bloody well broke me!). Some @$$hole let the air out of my tyres while I was in the shopping centre and I had to change that... later came home and patched things up between Ami and Hks... by taking them out for dinner and Ice cream. Wanted to try "Kim Mun"... and did... and resolved NEVER to go there again. Bad Food... LOUSY service... cramped seating... THE WORKS!

I've decided not to go to work till next week. I deserve a break!

Kid at heart.

2006-07-09T23:52:00.000+05:00

Islamabad was subject to the most INTENSE heat wave... Temperatures hit a high of 50 degrees CELCIUS!!! Even the ACs werent making much of a dent what with the humidity and the HEAT!!! Thank GOD its rained and Isloo is back to it usual beautiful self!

Anyhoo... we had house guests... K.Mamoo, S and F Khala/Mami/Baji... and their children. On the 8th, the day it was the hottest (50 degrees celcius) I took the girls {all 5 of them}bowling... the alley was booked so we went to play laser tag instead... I had SO much fun... even though I was 13 years older than the oldest kid!!! Then I took them all to Hot Spot for slushes and icecream... I think they had a good time with me overall cuz later, they wanted to stay with me for another few days... I also took them Book-shopping, played basketball and dodgeball with them... and did all kinds of silly things... I LOVE being with children... they make FAR more interesting company than grownups. I wish I was Peter Pan... then I would never have to grow up!

Off to Lahore tomorrow to take our new intern for an exposure visit to Lahore. Its just an overnight but its a break away from my routine... and very welcome!

Packing up!

2006-07-04T16:30:00.000+05:00

How does one pack up a life? How can one prepare to start a new one?

I've been wondering how I should go about it these days. Last week I made a rough list of my books. Then I took almost a hundred and fifty books to the old book shop... I HAVE NEVER sold a book before. I have to admit iit was like parting with a loved one! The rest I have divided into groups, some I will take with me... some I have "left" to Pho, Maryam, or anyone else who wants them, Some I will leave at home for Ana to "grow into"... and the rest that have to go to OBS but I havent had the heart to part with any more just yet.

Then there are photographs that Ami will most certainly not let me take with me... I've seperated a TON to get copies made to take with me. Then my movies and music collection? Cant leave that behind... and diaries... and little odds and ends that I have accumulated over 25 years.

And these are the easy things... there are other things that arent that easy to pack... like memories and important places. How do I pack memories associated with special places? Or just memories for that matter?

People tell me that this feeling will intensify over the next six months... and I wonder... if I am this freaked out now... what will happen later?

Kher... my game plan for this, like for everything else I do... is to jump in with both feet. Sab theek ho jaye ga!

No longer MS.Doormat!

2006-07-03T23:59:00.000+05:00

I cant keep everyone happy... I just cant!!!

But I am susceptible to emotional blackmail, and everyone knows that and everyone takes advantage of that... but you know what.. I dont give a rats ass anymore! In Moiz I have everyone I need... and if I feel that I am the only one "trying" in any other relationship... i will tell them to go fly a kite!

Ms. Bossyboots is temperamental and moody again… and as usual she is taking out her frustrations by giving me attitude! and since these days she has other people who are giving her the attention she SO loves, and she doesn't need me, she is making me feel like slime. Let her, a few days and when she is low and realises (again) that the people she thinks are the greatest are only superficial... she'll come running back... and this time around she will have to work at winning me back. Besides her whole helpless innocent ACT cant last forever... and the other people will also realise what a drama she is!

But I hate it… because she makes me feel so lousy… as if its my fault that she has the emotional capacity of a teaspoon!… wanting everyone to kiss her ass and pretending to be helpless all the time just to get attention. Anyway she can go to hell for all I care. Why am I even wasting my time talking about her… but I still HATE it when people are mad at me even if it is for no reason. Kher this time I am not taking the initiative to make her feel better... she can go fuck herself!!! I dont need her, she needs me!!! I am no longer the doormat people used to walk all over!

2006-07-01T13:12:00.000+05:00

Being the least dressy female I know... I dont know when I am going to wear all these heavy heavy "joras" that we are buying for me... but I still love being the centre of attention!!!

Happy days!!!

2006-06-28T16:51:00.000+05:00

Im happy! SO happy I cant stop smiling!!! I cant stop singing to myself and daydreaming. I cant stop counting down the days till January.

I am very happy with my life even if I am miserably unhappy about my weight... but im doing something about it!!! I went to a dietician yesterday and paid TEN FRIKKIN THOUSAND rupees to her and the result... she told me stuff that i knew ALREADY!!!

sigh** i'd better lose this weight now even if it is just to "wasool-ofy" my hard earned cash!!!

I dont want to be a fat bride!!!

2006-06-24T23:53:00.000+05:00

I hate the way I look. I'm short and fat, have no shape to my super-size figure and I have a protruding tummy that wouldn't be out of place on a woman 8 months pregnant!!! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! What I hate even more is the fact that I have absolutely no self control whatsoever. NONE! I diet like crazy and then blow it all up by bingeing like a maniac! I am SO stuffed right now, that I feel like sticking a finger down my throat and puking it all out! I hate myself for being the way I am. I WANT to be skinny. Though today was a great day on all counts I still ate way too much and that is making me depressed... so depressed that I feel like I want to cry.

I want to look good. Especially for my wedding… and it is not too far away. But I can’t ever be skinny, and when I realize this, I just EAT! I’ve started to feel ugly now… at any given social even I hide cuz I feel like the ugliest person in the room cuz of my weight. At Yasra’s Mehndi recently, I felt so FAT and ugly that I didn’t go to her Baraat or to her Valima. I didn’t want to go Maryam’s today and I am dreading going back to work.

I wish I had an eating disorder, so I could just throw up whatever I ate and get skinny! I HATE being fat. Even people who used to say I was fine when I said I was fat, now tell me to do something about my weight. But I can’t. Despite all my resolutions and all my big plans… like everything else I set out to do in life… I’m failing at this too! I am SUCH a loser!!!

Shopping!!!

2006-06-22T10:48:00.000+05:00

If I never have to go to another designer/dressmaker/dyer/tailor/boutique again... I will be happy. My ENTIRE vacation has been spent at one or the other... and while I enjoyed it in the beginning... it became an ordeal at the end!

I HATE making choices!!!

on vacation- be back soon

2006-06-21T18:52:00.000+05:00

Shopping shopping shopping... the vacation I took is flying away before my eyes... and I STILL have TONS to do!!! I'm going back to work on the 26th... TOO SOON!!! ***sniff-sniff***

Between everything I have to do these days... dont have time for anything else, not even to blog!

some random rambling!

2006-06-08T00:07:00.000+05:00

It's midnight.

I can’t sleep... Moiz is studying for an exam he has coming up so I can’t bother him either... I remember that in school, and college and University, I always STARTED studying after midnight. I've always thought that this time brings out the best in me. Topics that took me ages to study/learn, I could have down pat in 15 minutes or so... I wonder if it actually had anything to do with the time or was it the realization that with each passing minute, I was that much closer to my exam.... I never studied before exams were actually upon me... I don’t think I've ever studied for anything before the actual night before the exam.
Those were the days!!!

These days, with each passing day, I am that much closer to leaving Isloo and my family and becoming (shudder) a ""married woman""!!! While that is a relief in some ways, in most it brings on nothing but apprehension... I’m not scared... but I am extremely nervous. All signs so far show that Life with Moiz won’t be difficult at all but it’s not him I’m concerned about. It’s more adjusting to an entire new place in my life. New city, new family, new marital status, duties etc...

PLUS, being used as I am to my independence, financial and otherwise, I am n0t quite sure if I will be able to adjust to depending on someone so much. Karachiites think of Islamabad as a dump, but being in Islamabad has given me the kind of freedom that karachiites can only dream about... plus staying at home full time?!?!?!?!?!?!!! I've never EVER done that! The only time I did was after I completed my MBA and before I started work... less than 2 months in which I was bored out of my wits!

AND my BIGGEST concern... MUM IN LAW!!! I know this is VERY cliché, I mean, I don’t even know the lady yet... but she is the only one in Moiz's immediate family, who makes me nervous. Moiz is a sweetheart and so are Raafay and Dad in-law... but I'm actually scared of her. Not that she has ever been anything but nice to me, but I don’t know... maybe it’s all the "drama" attached to this particular relation by society.

Another big cause of apprehension is Moiz' ex. Not her physically, cuz I doubt I will be interacting with her much... since she doesn’t live in the country anymore, but the comparison... even though Moiz will never make a comparison... but I am dead certain everyone in Moiz's extended family else will... and blood IS thicker than water after all. I am terrified of being judged lesser of the two... which is why I need to be PERFECT in every way.

Kher, I AM trying to adjust myself to the idea that I only have six months to go before the "big move"... Its funny waisay... these very six months, sometimes seek like SUCH a long time... and sometimes, like right now... seem just too short.

It’s all too overwhelming!

Family trip Summer 2006!!!

2006-06-05T16:18:00.000+05:00

The trip was FAB!! The weather was frikkin awesome... perfest for some MUCH needed R&R. Took LOADS of pictures... then got seriously depressed at how FAT I am... then proceeded to photoshop the double chins out the best I could!!! YAY for technology !!! (I think I overdid some of them)

I wish I could photoshop the chins and the tummy and the thighs and the butt off in real life too... just as easily!!!

2006-06-02T13:04:00.000+05:00

Am off for our annual family "summer" picnic... three days... Murree, Nathiagali and Kalabagh!!!

Hurray!!! I needed a break and this is a very welcome one... only, I wish Moiz was here...

Maybe next year inshallah, we could fly in from Karachi and be part of it... but I doubt it'll be possible!

Some things never change

2006-06-02T12:16:00.000+05:00

No matter where fate and circumstance take you, there are some people who are always there for you. People who, no matter how long its been, are exactly the same with you... relationships that are beyond the limitations of time and space.

I should consider myself incredibly incredibly lucky for I have three friends just like that. People who, despite our differences, good times and bad, have always always ALWAYS been there!

On, Bat and Mairoo... I love you ALL!

and thank you...

...Bat... for taking the bull (me) by the horns everytime and for sticking by me through thick and thin...
...On... for still caring about me enough to buy me car shades so my arms dont go "kaala' and doing all that you do...
...Mairoo... for offering to beat up Moiz when you thought there was no way in hell I could have fallen for someone my mum chose for me...

and to all of you for being the wonderful people you are!!!

Some things really never change.............. and I am SO glad they dont!!!

2006-05-24T16:33:00.000+05:00

It’s been a while. I’ve been procrastinating like anything… and about everything!!! My room is a mess, my filing is long overdue, my eyebrows look like they belong on a caveman, my hair is in a dire need of a trim and I wont even go into what my wardrobe looks like! I’m blowing my fuse over the littlest things! Can’t wait till the wedding is over and done with... so I can go back to my normal state of mind… though would getting married constitute going back to normal???

In many ways, this (soon to be) wedding is like a new journey… almost like starting over. Just contemplating it is difficult at times. The thought that I will be moving to a whole new city is sometimes quite intimidating, even though I am a big fan of Karachi, cuz, I am not sure if I would like to actually LIVE there. So far I’ve always loved going there but then I always had Islamabad to come home to. I mean, Isloo is the BEST place to live in… Its safe, I can go out alone at all times without the fear of getting mugged, I can talk on my cell phone in public, I can get from any given point A to B within half an hour or less, and not that I am a fan or jewelry, but if I ever felt like it I can wear gold bangles up to my elbows and walk around the city without getting held up, I can actually breathe without inhaling smog and smelling carburetor fumes, we get rain more than once every three years and our roads don’t get ripped apart every time it does rain, spring and autumn actually exist in isloo, we actually know what wildflowers and trees and hell even what grass looks like… I can go ON and ON and ON and ONNNNNNN!!!

But it shouldn’t be too bad (I hope). The novelty of the “new-ness” of it all should keep me going for a bit. Then there will be other things to keep me going, hopefully. Then there is the whole new family that I will have to “adopt”… new faces, parents in law, a brother in law, nephew & nieces in law, uncles and aunties in law, cousins in law etc...

Oh Lord, what have I gotten myself into?!?!?!?!?!?

These days I feel a myriad of emotions. I ponder over what things could be like, I sulk, complain, beam with happiness, laugh, and definitely cry... as I head off to take the most unpredictable ride of my life... Marriage.

Someone at work asked me today, “Are you sure you want to get married???"

NOPE!!! But I’m going to anyway...

2006-05-13T18:36:00.000+05:00

As always, the previous post was just my apprehensions running away with me... he is great and I know I cant find anyone better. I love him.

A bad day!!!

2006-05-11T19:01:00.000+05:00

Only this morning, I was thinking that I needed to blog but just didn't have the urge to write. Between work, commitments at home, teaching, and Moiz, I figured that it was because I just dont have the time to write. I realise now that it was basically because I didnt have anything I needed to mull over. I write mostly only when I am emotionally stirred by something, be it anger or hate or jealously or heartbreak or happiness or love. Recently I havent been particularly stirred I guess. Yes, I am in love with a guy who loves me back... a guy I'm going to marry in 8 months time... but is he really the one??? YES, he most certainly IS!!!

Theres a very good reason why I dont think about things that worry me... a lot of serious things! Cuz once I start thinking, its like opening floodgates... I just cant seem to stop. For the last day or two, I have been worried, confused and a little overwhelmed at all the changes that have been occurring in my life and at all the changes that are expected of me.

Even though I didnt have too much work or anything to do at work today, I left home earlier than usual and revisited what used to be a favourite haunt. I had hoped that it would help cheer me up. It didn't. The place felt alien to me and I wasn't quite comfortable. Then later in the day, I read through a years worth of emails that I had written to friends and such before Abu passed away... the time when i was searching for scholarships and planning to go away to england. Reading them didnt make me feel any better either. Even to myself, I came across like a pathetic, desperate thing... who would do anything and put up with anything just to have a chance to BE myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I am an escapist. I dont like thinking about things that have and those that could go wrong... cuz they just upset me and give me a headache. So I choose to just block them from my mind. In many ways it is good for me I guess... but sometimes, like now, I think that blocking these thoughts and memories actually makes me more vulnerable to repeating the same mistakes and getting hurt by the same people over and over again. Reading back those emails... I felt like SUCH a fool... for allowing people to walk all over me like they did... and then I still let them blame ME!!! I read each and ever one of the 286 LONG emails... and deleted them one by one. It was good therapy in a way.

I've eaten an entire bar of chocolate abhi... something I havent done since I got engaged... just cuz i didnt feel the need to. I get the craving for chocolate only when i am depressed... and i am really depressed right now.

I know being religious (in a positive non-extremist kind of way) is not a bad thing... but it was my only concern when I first found him on orkut. It had raised alarm bells in my head even then cuz, even though its a good thing and admirable at hhis age... it would cause SERIOUS compatibility issues... cuz anyone who knows me even the teeniest tiniest bit KNOWS I am SO not religious... I know Im going to burn in hell for this, but this is the way I am! I am not saying I'm aetheist or agnostic, God forbid... but just NOT inclined... I am like a poster girl for what Musharraf calls "moderate muslim".

He says repeatedly that he wants me JUST as I am... but everyday, I discover he wants me to change in ways that are not just little changes... but BIG HUGE ones. I'm trying to stop thinking about it... maybe if I keep reminding myself that I love him... it will help me cope.

And I cant seem to adjust to the idea of being so completely dependant on someone for everything I could ever need... from a hairpin to a home... everything!!! I've never even liked asking my parents for money... I feel like... everyday, I am going to have to kill a part of myself and make compromises to keep US happy together.

I hate this.... but I dont want to lose him either. I dont know what to do..... HELP!!!

Too much of a good thing!!!

2006-05-05T16:18:00.000+05:00

I havent been blogging alot since I got engaged... but I spend so much time talking to him on the phone that I barely have enough time to get all my stuff done. I cant even remember the last time I slept properly. But I'm very very happy!

We talk a million times a day, yet everytime I see his name on my phone... my heart starts thud-thudding!!! I cant concentrate on ANYTHING!!! When I'm talking to him I dont want to hang up... and when I'm not talking to him, I am basically just waiting till I can. I am procrastinating everything else... and I think he's going through the same. Our phone bills have been astronomical... yet we talk every chance we get. He has his exams these days and he can't be concentrating much on those.

I think this is what they call too much of a good thing!

2006-05-02T14:24:00.000+05:00

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

Ann Bradstreet
1612-1672, Poet

Khan da Pathan da

2006-05-01T12:44:00.000+05:00

Ami, Nabila Khala and I went to Peshawar this Sunday to shop for my wedding... It was my first Peshawar Shopping spree experience that Ami and the Khalas seem to enjoy so much... and while it was fun, it was kind of overrated and very very tiring... for me at least... Ami and Khala were like kids in a candy store... they actually got high on it!

Imagine driving 2.5 hours to Peshawar, shop non stop for 7 hours and then driving back 2.5 hours to get home! Thats just what we did.

ANd get this... since next weekend is a long one for Ami... she is planning to go again... for an OVERNIGHT shopping trip!!!

Anyway... highlight of my trip, was this notice outside a bakery in Nowshera where we made a stop to get something to eat...
Roughly translated it means...
"It is forbidden to enter the bakery wearing shorts"

The joke is funnier in urdu!

2006-04-30T12:06:00.000+05:00

I overreact I know... the last post was just that... an over reaction.